Pearl in the Ocean of Sand

I watched the Avengers for the first time yesterday, it was a really cool movie a little intense and not enough romance but still well done.

I was thinking about the character the Hulk. I can relate to the Hulk in some ways, I mean I don’t turn green and large when I am angry but in some ways I do respond to life that way.

I was reading in Galatians this morning about how not to get weary in doing good in the season we will reap if we do not give up. Key word if you do not give up, I am also starting to read about the life of David. I started in the chapter about Saul and his disobedience to only listen to himself.

What really started to hit home was the way I can recognize that I know I need to do good, but I tend to feed my flesh instead of my spirit. I can think of two separate conversations yesterday that I responded as the hulk of my flesh, not the Spirit of Christ. The Hulk of my flesh just wants what is best for the flesh, it does not care what it says, does, or how it treats others.

Self- control through the power of Christ is the only way to defeat the flesh. I think about the movie and the Hulk had to train himself on how to use his Hulk abilities as a gift not a curse. We will always struggle with flesh and spirit but we get to choose which one we feed. Many times we choose not to feed the Spirit but the flesh because its easier. If you do not choose self-control with your anger, jealousy or bitterness it will over take you and not only destroy you but others surrounding you. I know that for a fact. It seems easier to be mad at someone and harbor bitterness until you realize that root has taken over how you live, respond and do life.

The first part of choosing the Spirit is difficult but the after math of choosing Christ is life giving. Don’t get weary in doing good, Christ understood we are performance driven individuals that needs applause or a good job. When we do not receive those recognitions we start to get weary and start debating if we should just feed the flesh over the spirit. Satan loves to point out others who are feeding their Hulk flesh and getting away with it, or may even be getting ahead of you. Remember you do not know what a person feels when they lay there head down at night.

Peace of Christ over human acknowledgement I think I choose my Spirit. 

Lets be real for a moment…

I have not taken time to blog in months, I have not had the desire to share my life with anyone in months but tonight I need to write.

Well here it is, Defeat a six-letter word that has the meaning of victory over someone or something than you add two letters and you get defeated then it becomes the someone or something that has been taken down. Isn’t that amazing just by two letters you are either the defeat or defeated. That right there is a powerful thought, I wish I could say I am the first one but so often this past year I have been the second one, defeated.

Tonight I would like to take you deeper into my onion of heart; I have many layers just like a Shrek. My parents recently have decided to get separated. I am not here to share the who, the what’s or the why’s, but I am here to share the brokenness I feel right now. The defeated part of me that wants to win the defeat. You think man I am twenty five this wont hurt me anymore, I am a big girl but it does. I feel as though something I have placed a lot of trust and hope in has been shattered to little pieces with no return. I feel as though I should be learning a million lessons but I have one. Christ is with me.

As I lay here in my bed I think to myself Jesus you are right beside me. I mean you really never leave me or forsake me. I don’t have analogies like I usually like to write about, nope all I have tonight is truth.

I may feel defeated, broken, and absolutely crushed, but I am not feeling it alone. I heard a sermon last Sunday and it was such a sweet reminder that its okay to feel like God disappointed you. He may not have not fixed our situations the way we want Him too but man He does not leave our side. We made feel like Martha at Lazarus funeral, Jesus your just 4 days too late to fixing this one. But let me remind you, better yet let me remind myself, My God oh come on somebody, He is never late. He is always the defeater and He started the beginning, came in the middle and crushed the end and guesses what we aren’t defeated.

Right now in the tough situation, we all have the tendency to run to others or away from Jesus, I encourage you to run straight to Him and just lay your head in his lap.

I like to imagine Psalms 23, Jesus and I laying by a stream together and holding hands and talking like best buds. Just remember, Lazarus lived, Jesus rose and Goliath fell over and Daniel was not lion lunch, He is the same God then, now and forever. When you are in that circumstance you remind yourself, we are not defeated we are with the defeater.  

I hope this short sharing can encourage someone in some way…

As I sit here on Sunday morning I know I should be in church but decided to do church at home today. Sometimes you just need to get alone and enjoy resting. I decided after a frustrating conversation to someone on the phone I would read my “Love Does” book thinking that will inspire kindness when I do not have any to give right now. I decided to read until church online starts this morning still not sure if I have even moved forward my clock for daylight savings time.

But as I sat here on my couch I started to smell this nasty stench and wondered where is that smell coming from? It’s the smell of cat poop, I will be honest I do not have a love for animals. I do not think any “Love Does” book could get me to really love an animal but maybe a turtle. So the idea of cleaning cat poop was not happening.

Let me explain as I sit here and type these two cats are chasing each other around the house. These two little creatures are insane, they like to drink out of the toilet, chasing each other like they are in the Olympics and rarely like to cuddle up with any human. I will be completely honest the idea of cleaning up their poop was not on my list of relaxing Sunday choices.

But as I sat and tried to ignore the stench, I even tried to put my sweatshirt over my nose it would not work. I realized I would either have to move rooms or clean the litter box. I was pretty content in my comfortable couch seat so I guess that means I’d be cleaning the litter box.

As I went into the room that held the horrible smell, I covered my nose and threw up a little and started to scoop the poop out. You have to realize that it’s amazing how God chooses to speak to my heart.

This morning frustrating conversation was an example of this litter box that I was cleaning out. You see the problem is that this litter box had not been cleaned out in a couple of days. What was done was scooping out the top poop but some would get left and the pee would harden the litter, I know this is a little gross. There is a trick though you can get rid of the top stuff and just put new fresh litter over the old bottom dirty litter and cover the smell up for a little bit. Yes, being the animal lover I did just that I covered up the old litter after scooping out the easy stuff. I wanted an immediate result in the change of smell and I did not want to have to work very hard to get there!

See that idea got me thinking isn’t that how we all live sometimes? I deal with the easy stuff but try and run from the more difficult but not scooping it up I just leave it. We think we can put church, servant hood and other wonderful fragrances over the deep hard stuff we do not want to deal with? I will just ignore this issue in my life until I need to deal with it, than we pour some fresh litter over the horrible smelly level because we want immediate results not ones that take time to work through!

If your whole level of foundations is hard crap that you did not want to deal with, than how can something new and fresh come into our life and take root. Cleaning a litter box that has been kept up and cleaned makes it a lot easier than cleaning one that just has levels and levels of nasty litter.

God is constantly coming to the litter box of our hearts. We have a choice to painfully let him clean and purify our hearts even in the tough issues or continue to struggle through and try and put new clean litter on bad smelly litter.

Let’s get real you can only cover up the smell for so long…Immediate results may feel and smell good for a couple of days but give it sometime and you will start to smell that nasty stench of not dealing with sin smelling up your life. 

The Windows of Lies

I started to re-read a book; I read a couple of years ago called, “Search for Significance”. I have also been one to want to feel valued, know that I am loved. What amazes me is this book really reveals the lies that satan has thrown my way and what I have chosen to believe.

Yesterday, I was having a conversation about my view of life and my prospective. He shared that maybe I was looking out the window of what I thought of myself and not what God’s truth and Word thought of me. As I read through this book this morning I realized how true that was. I have believed for a season of time that I was not good enough or a failure just had no self-worth. All that I choose to believe of myself came from what others thought of me.

As I read this book this morning I came across a thought. This window that I had been looking through was so small and blurry because it was what everyone else thought of me. That type of window is full of lies and emptiness and I need to find what God was saying and thinking of me.

God he thinks I am wonderfully made and full of amazing beauty. My God thinks I am a worthy of His love. My God thinks I am winner not a failure. Every hair on my head is important and counted for because he cares about every detail of my life. My God does not manipulate me, He just wants to me to desire Him. I have to do nothing to win His approval I am all I need to be for His love to overtake me. Man every lie that I have believed in the last weeks, months and years are now not a chain but something I can laugh in the face of and replace with God’s amazing promises!

I wanted to share that this Christmas Eve morning, what window of life are you looking through? Do you look at yourself on what other sinful humans think of you or what a Sovereign amazing sacrificial Savior thinks of you? I mean He did become a baby so we could experience the greatest act of love ever known to mankind!

You are loved this Christmas, New year and for the rest of your life, will you choose to believe it?

I know a title like this makes you stop and think I am about to dish out some juicy details about my life. well I am but not the ones you are expecting. It’s been a long time since I sat down and wrote in this little online diary of my heart. A lot in my life has changed over the last three months and continue to change but it continues to show me one thing. That the Lord is the most beautiful lover you can have in your life. 

I started dating someone these past couple of months and he is a wonderful gem, but my favorite prayer to pray is that I constantly experience Christ intimate love through our relationship. There has been such beautiful moments where this guy has said some of the most beautiful words that I could hear my sweet Savior saying them to me through him. The reason why relationships can be so amazing is watching the Lord speak to your heart through them. Sometime i don’t like the way God uses him to refine my heart towards Christ but its a beautiful opportunity to experience Christ love. But this love is but a scratch incomparsion to the Lord lavishing glorious love, He has for us. 

I’ve started to know how the Lord cares more about my life than I sometimes tend too. In the way He will protect my character, He will whisper I love you in a sunset or just forcing me to rest in His presence. Kari Jobe sings a song that says “I want to sit at your feet, drink from the cup in your hand, lay back against you and breathe feel your heart beat, this love is so deep its more than i can stand, I melt in your peace its overwhelming” I want that to be my prayer. 

I have spent three months traveling on the road and the only thing that remains constant in my life is Christ. This weekend my car died, which we all know Betsy has been the best of friend in my life. She got me to California twice and Virginia a million times all over Florida and South Carolina trips. I have cried, laughed and been pulled over in that car, man we have been through all kind of ups and downs. But Betsy is just a car and she could not last forever though I did give her the name because she is the cow that keeps giving milk. Now, i must find a new friend for all my crazy adventures and I know the Lord has the perfect little adventerous car out there for me. But my car will die, my boyfriend will fail, my family will disappoint and my friends don’t always come through but Christ He is the sustaining factor in my life. 

My favorite worship song says “I could search for all eternity long and still find there is none like you!’ Jesus is the ultimate lover and He will satisfy you deeper than anyone you will ever meet. He knows your deepest need and already wants to meet it. Relationships are not bad but look for and pray for a way to see Christ in the relationships around you. 

It is for Freedom Christ has set you Free, do not ever forget that you are free. He died so you could taste freedom in love, life and the sweetest relationship with Him. Don’t waste it or miss out on it! 

Have you ever had someone special come and visit you? You want to make sure your house, apartment and rooms look just perfect. I am going out of town for work and the day I get home a special guest is coming to visit me, so naturally I spent the day preparing my room for my guest. The only problem is that, today I broke my bed frame. 

Classic Ashley moment when I was trying to pull out my suitcase for my trip I thought I could be the incredible Hulk and lift my bed frame to pull out my case. Instead the frame slipped and came down on my fingers crushing them and causing my bed to lean at a slant. Now, my bed is still very comfortable and if you lay the right way it feel like you are laying on a hill (probably better for your back anyway).

Though I can have the attitude that I don’t care, but I really wanted to have all my arts and crafts painted and my bed looking perfect. Instead my room looks like a 90’s roller rink with Christmas lights and all. Is it what I dreamed of my perfect room looking like nope, but it will have to do.

Okay, Ashley how does this apply to regular life. Well, if you read my blog or talk to me recently I have started a new job and a lot of other new things; New friendships, relationship, and adventures. I think when God has allowed a new relationship in my life it has revealed how truly broken of a person that I am. God purposefully has brought someone in my life that challenges, encourages and show grace in such a sweet beautiful way. Let me tell you my first gut reaction is to run and run hard. I have spent the past week in my own personal life looking for away out of a lot of things that are happening in my life.

Today though I finally had to stop and ask the Lord why was I so nervous and fearful. It had nothing to do with this person but my own heart. I realize I was afraid to allow complete control in Jesus’s hand. I really struggle with releasing control in certain areas of my life. I am adventure seekers but a pain avoider. Let me explain if there is adventure involved I am all about it , BUT if I could get hurt in anyway I take more time to consider if I want to take that risk. I know how can I really say I love adventure if I am afraid of risk? That is the question the Lord has been asking me?

Why do you want out Ashley?

There is a way for me work through my uncomfortable situations and bring peace that passes all understanding and that is through releasing control. Ugh, I want to know how my job will turn out and how my relationship will end and this and that…But that is just not possible when you want God to lead your life. I have come to realize I need to allow the Lord into my house of my heart.

Going back to my house talk, The problem is there are some beautifully decorated rooms in my heart that are put together and ready for Jesus to visit. Than there are some DO NOT DISTRUB signs in my heart. Those are the ones that are named “past hurts”, “fear” and “adoption”. When you walk in those rooms it is filled with dirt, broken furniture and stench from past wounds that I refuse to clean out and be free from but I need Jesus to reside in all my rooms not just the one or two I think are good enough for His Glory.

One of my favorite attributes of God is that He takes me right where I am. He is like Ty from Extreme Home Makeover, He wants to move that bus! But I must allow him to have access to break into those dark, broken places of my life.

So what rooms of your heart are you keeping locked up from the One who already knows every dirty thing that resides in you.

You may never know that one room may be the thing from allowing someone else to love you fully, to take that adventure you always dreamed or just be free(which I believe freedom is the most incredible characteristic a man or woman can posses). 

Do you ever stop and think to yourself, “Did I make today count?” I will be honest maybe every couple of weeks I start to think about the world spinning around me and wonder how has my life made a difference. The problem I tend to face and think many others is that if we are not making a huge difference we do not think it will count. That is a lie that satan loves to feed God’s children. 

I spent this saturday morning watching a movie on Netflix called “Human Trafficking”. I know an odd way to spend my day off of work but to say that I was broken would be an understatement of how this movie has impacted my heart today. Let me be clear as glass, I spent yesterday being angry, frustrated and just frankly having a self pity party all day long. I hurt people with my words, I made myself so frustrated and more than anything I choose not to care about anyone but me. I woke up this morning feeling lighter in my heart and started to watch this two part series. What gets me is not that Hollywood did a great job portraying the truth, but that this movie is legitimate truth. There are woman and children getting sold into slavery as I type this, just that one thought there makes me sick! My problem is not that I do not have the heart to do something, but that i choose to get more overwhelmed with the idea of how to fight for something I just give up and think someone else will help that problem. I spent more timing crying over spilt milk than deciding to pour a new glass of Orange Juice. 

Rome was not built in a day and Human Trafficking will not be completely stop tomorrow. My first way I can fight for a heavy issue at heart is prayer, I need to start on my knees for these woman and children everyday. Then do whatever I can and not judge how little or great of an impact I will have by doing it! Just by writing this little thought on my heart maybe someone else will read this and get pushed to stand up and speak out!

Maybe your burden on your heart is not human trafficking, thats okay! Maybe its single moms who need help purchasing groceries, the homeless man that stands at the corner of your intersection you choose to ignore everyday, or elderly man who just lost his wife and needs a friend to play card with. Let’s get real I could write blogs and blogs on issues and concerns that we can take a stand on but each of our hearts where created with different burdens so that we can cover the globe with a Christ Impact! 

That leads me into my goal in this next year, I want to reach out to girls and boys in Juvienille Detention Halls. If it is writing them a letter, sending a gift or just making a visit to a kid that hasn’t had anyone come visit for a year…I am making my “Love List” instead of Hit List these kids. I want to reach students who think they have no hope, no one cares and no one believes in them. I want to reach out in the next year starting in Florida to impact the students that think they will never get anywhere in this life and tell them that they are created with a plan and a purpose! Now heres the kicker, I need help! I have written a book for teen girls. I want to get it published in this year with the desire to give a free book to a girl in Juvie. If she ever choose to read it that is her choice but I want to give her a part of my story and let her know she is loved, valued and has an amazing purpose! I need help with so many aspects of this dream for the next year, I need connection into the Juvinielle centers, prayer support, funding to publish a book, and people who love to write letters to students who could use encouragement in the Centers. 

 I talked to a boy that went to Juvie and he explained the frustration and boardem he faced while doing his time. What if they were receiving letters from families letting them know someone cares and is praying for them! What if a girl has an hour to read a book about the craziness that Christ can come in and impact a life. So if you would like to join with me feel free to email me at anjames@liberty.edu or facebook me! Help me get this out there and make a difference with what we have been given today!!!

I have a lot to do but if I choose to take one step a day closer than Christ through me will be able to complete this goal. It is where the impossible starts that God steps in but the problem is we never even get close to having the bravery to step in the impossible direction.

I truly have concerns that I am secretly an 85 year old woman stuck in a 24 year old body. I make a goal to get in bed at the latest 10:30pm so that I can have a full nights rest to get up at 7am. I love to watch classic old shows, listen to music from the 50’s and if I have spare time I will pick up my knitting needles. The challenges that I place in my life is playing cards against my grandparents and putting a puzzle together. Now you can see where I am coming from it’s like Freaky Friday. 

The thing I realized the other day about putting puzzles together is that I hate using the picture on the box to help me. My aunt had asked me why I don’t use the picture and I realized it is because i never think the pieces will look like the picture. It just frustrates me more, looking at that dumb box and never seeing how it fits together, So I just throw the box away. I know if you are a puzzle pro and your reading this, you are probably thinking I am crazy which is true probably.Here are some other crazy facts about me, I like to take test backwards because I do not get overwhelmed, I like sprinkles on my apple sauce and I hate the picture to the puzzle, it never does it justice. 

Now how am I going to take my crazy way of putting together puzzles and apply to my Christian life. Well, I was talking to a friend the other day and I realized my puzzle skills are just like the way Christ puts together my life. You see the creator of the puzzle knows the final picture, understands why each piece is important and has the understanding and patience to wait for the whole puzzle to be put together. The person who story is the puzzle well that is another story, I can not see the whole picture and honestly I do not see how each individual piece will make a beautiful picture. 

If you ever have seen or put together a puzzle there are some jacked up looking pieces. Those weird ones, where you are not really sure how they will fit together pieces but they are just as important as the nice shaped pieces. I struggled with the idea of not understanding how each piece is important in my life. Sometimes i am so so frustrated with the piece that is placed next in my puzzle because I do not like the shape, or how it breaks me or grows me. Than after the uncomfortable piece is layed into the picture comes a piece that puts part of the picture together and I have an understanding of why that piece was important. 

I started this new job and I have already seen pieces of past, help put together and make the picture of my future. I have to trust the puzzle creator that He knows best. Two things happen when doing a puzzle, you always wonder if pieces are missing? Which they are not, you just have to have the patience to wait and see how each one fits in the picture. 2nd you know you can not take pieces from another puzzle because you know it will not fit in the puzzle like it should. 

I think we all struggle of being jealous of someone else’s puzzle pieces and want them in your own picture. But our final pictures are all different and our stories will be written differently. We must be willing to trust God that every piece and part of our story is put together just the way He intended it. Sometimes, its hard and other times the pieces go together easy but either way one day you will get to heaven and have a complete picture if you allow God to do that in your life. You must just be willing to wait as each piece is placed perfectly in your life to make your Big picture!

I wanted to tell everyone haha maybe the three people that read my blog of what has been happening in life and where i am going next. So you graduate college and you are suppose to grow up and get a real job. I really wish I was peter pan some days. Sometimes living in my parents basement or spare bedroom does not sound so bad. But in life we must have change and challenges or we will never grow. 

So about two months ago God started impressing on my heart that I needed to give up my dream to California.You do not understand how difficult and painful that was for me. I realized it did not mean He would not give back my dream or have something that would better suit me right now but surrendering anything that you have planned your last four years of life around it is not the easiest. 

I went on a traveling weekend with my ministry team two months ago. That weekend was a shattering weekend, I will be honest I did not want to go that weekend. I was in a bad mood because God had started working on this whole surrendering thing with me. I like to be in control, I like to know what I am doing and where I am going. I hate planning details but I sure like to know them. Here I am sitting in the Charlotte airport waiting to see if I will get on a flight that I am stand by, let me honest it is killing me. I just want to know if I am going to be stranded another couple of hours or sitting on the plane in the next twenty minutes. 

Life is a giant stand-by and that particular weekend the speaker shared a story about waiting on what He wants to give us not what we think we want or need. Eph 3:20 is one of my life verse “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.” That is truth. 

The thing about life is that God can see the whole picture, I see one part. As I flew into Charlotte this morning It was sunny and beautiful in the sky. I could see everything being so high up. Then we started to land and it was gloomy and raining. I think God can see the sunshine but sometimes we only see the gloom and rain because we can not see above the clouds. 

I wanted Los Angeles and my acting dream of the Disney Channel but I desire God more than any dream. God makes me who I am, not some dream. He is the dream giver so if he wants to give or take away I want to learn to be okay with it. It is not easy but because I have given up control I have been able to learn to trust whatever happens.

Just for the ending of my story, I did not get the flight. Which is perfectly fine because I got another flight. I think I realize there will be a lot of stand by moments in the next year but I am going to try to learn to surrender more and more each time and just enjoy the wait. 

Oh I never told you what I am doing next, I am now a national recruiter for Liberty University. I get the opportunity to travel and share about Liberty with high school students all over the United States, I think Jesus knows exactly what He is doing with my crazy life! 

Thank you all for reading and I have feeling that there will be a lot more opportunity for blogging during this next adventures so stay tune! 

Tonight as I drove to class, I had a hard moment with the Lord. I was listening to Natalie Grants “Your Great Name” and just started crying. I have spent a lot of my life thinking that I knew what was most important until I recently gave everything up. I could not hold on anymore to what I thought I wanted but had to release it to the foot of the cross. Surrender is not just a nice saying that goes along with the Christian walk it is the Christian walk. Tonight, I realize every week I sit next to my friend Britney and i just have so much fun with this chick in our math class. As I drove tonight to sit beside her, I started wondering if I would ever see her in heaven. I mean our class is done in two weeks and that is the end of our Liberal Math Monday and Wednesday nights together. Have I shown and shared the Gospel in a way that will impact her, because no matter how you twist and turn it if she does not know Jesus there is hell waiting for her. It made me cry to think of my new friend Britney going to hell. 

Also, Today was a milestone in my sweet friends life Jamie Bragg. He left for his dream to impact orphans in India. Almost two years ago we met and the man I met then is not even close to Godly man I know now. I love Jamie Bragg with such a deep agape love that I want to keep him to myself but God has called each of us on such beautiful distinct paths which his does not include me. I will tell you something if you want to see the definition of reckless abandonment please take a look into this guys life. In December of last year God called Jamie to the mission field and I watched this kid in one year give everything up to make sure the Gospel is brought to orphans in India. 

He may never win an Oscar, or win a election for something or have his name in some book of records but He will forever be known by a group of children who thought they were no bodies and now know that their is a Savior, who calls each of them a somebody. They are not a number but a name that has been written on Jesus heart. My sweet friend had a stable job, great apartment and perfect life it seemed until life was completely wrecked and he made the choice to sell out. So please join in praying for Him these next two weeks as he loves the fatherless and tells them about His heavenly Father.

It does not matter if its community college or India we are called to sell out in whatever we are doing. Do not do things half heartedly but go to bed at night exhausted because you gave your all. Jamie went from a full time job to packing up and moving to CT to help work at a church plant. The craziest adventures may begin with one step of faith in the impossible but only becomes possible with Jesus. 

Will you sell out?